saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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