My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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