Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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