I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
