I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize