The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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