FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
