is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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