Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Drake has all the answers
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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