I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
