bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
