my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
