don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
