My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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