Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
