love makes seman taste better
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Randomize
