some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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