this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
