I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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