Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
