Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
