i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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