Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
