Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
