the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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