Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
