happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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