I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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