Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
