My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
