your room smells of hookers.
And success
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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