she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize