woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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