when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
