I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
they're like a gay fantastic four
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
