My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
