I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
