Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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