he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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