Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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