1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
