you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Houston, we have a blender
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
