so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
