Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize