I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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