I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
