which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
