My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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