i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize