When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
