Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
