so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
