I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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