I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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