I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize