she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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