I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
