These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
