i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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