someone get that fucking seahorse.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
