wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
