Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
