I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize