This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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