He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
