By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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