We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
