My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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