if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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